Here are my signs...

If you could not communicate with the world and you could wear a sign around your neck, saying whatever you thought, what would that sign say?....

i am blessed.
i am originally a follower.
i am timid.
i have road rage.

save the best for last.

i hate work.
i am broken.
i work hard.

why are you still alive and he isn't?

why did i do that?

i have no regrets....
1, 2.

jinx.

karma will get you.

do you think the Mercedes you are driving makes you a bigger person?

i am spiteful.

i will be something.

where are you?

what you make of yourself comes from within.

smile.

Hello, i will be your sunshine today.

when i speak to the sky, will you judge me?

give me some sidewalk chalk, I'll change your life.

keep your head up.
buena suerte.
cross your fingers and hold your breath.

there is always a way.

don't give up.

hugs all around!

keep trying, keep trying, keep trying.

you can do this.
for the day is long and without this time, i amount to nothing.

make mistakes.

dive in.

throw caution to the wind.

move out of Philly or your face will stay that way.

get out as often as you can.
wish for everything and make it happen.

call them.

where are you going?

need a friend?

play the fortune cookie numbers.

always look over your shoulder, you never know who is looking.

when you smell their scent, relish their memory, for its all you have left.

don't hold your grudge so tightly.

say "i'm sorry"

trust is preferred but not for everyone.

time to put the guard down, let him in.

freckles are beauty marks: for they are nothing to hide.

sing as if no one can hear you, and dance as no one can see you.

the world is good.

be wise.

there is always time for a second chance.

if you plan to fail, you fail to plan.

don't give up on that friend, they need your support.

i can see a lot of life in you.

laugh hard.
love all, serve all.

i was blessed to know you, i am blessed to have you.

there is more to me than what you see.

go enjoy that book.

read the Bible as a literary piece.

don't forget him.
don't forget the way your mother smells for it will be a day of sadness.
keep the peace.


<3ktp.

....melting pot

when i feel warm and cozy, i see myself at home. i see myself with my mom and sister and jack and kendall. my nana and uncles, never missing a single beat at home. i have come to the realization that i am meant to be home. or if I'm not home, i just cant be alone ( and be near by..haha). its so hard to let people in when you know they will only judge. no one can understand each others pain, because every situation is different. you try to explain the tattoo on your neck to people, but they just don't get it. you try to do him justice, but somehow, nothing comes out as powerful as he really was. you sit and think of all the fun times you have had with past people, and you get sad. but you can't cry. it was 3 years ago. why am i still crying? i can't think about him for too long, or I'm down for the count. no use talking at home because it only upsets others. I'm not complaining. i just want everything to be okay for everyone. but no one is. a piece of every one of my family members died that day. august,8th. 9am. it was warm and nice outside. the clouds were incredible. as i was lying on the sidewalk out front i looked up and said" you picked a wonderful day to die." i could just imagine the curses coming out of his mouth because we drew alll over the sidewalk with chalk. he hated that.
and so to this day, if someone asks me if I'm okay. but really asks, i start to cry. Kendall does it without noticing. its habit for him to make sure i'm okay. but on those days, i just can't. i can't start the whole thing because i won't stop. i know i won't. i don't think anyone really knows how bad it hurt me. well my mom knows. but really, that's all. to friends, it was a family member. a family member that should be moved on from. nope. can't do it. he was not just a family member, he was an inspiration. he was encouragement. he was my best friend. my fellow gossiper. he was my biggest fan and supporter with whatever i chose to do. besides swimming in a pool with my then boyfriend. haha. i had to try to keep him young.
in my apartment, we have the old stools from my nana and pops kitchen, the jungle. Ill explain at a later date....
the other day, someone noticed that they were really wobbly. i figured a screw was loose. my pop was the one who always tightened them, or joe the neighbor, but we know he is not around. but my roommate turned it upside down to inspect and the whole thing fell apart. my god, my hear fell apart. it splintered at the speed of light throughout the room. i could feel the tears, and kendall saw them, but he did not say a word. i just silently screamed and cried and threw things in my mind. over a stool. yes. over a stool. i picked up the screws from the floor and handed them to kendall and he told me everything would be fine. he was going to take it home and fix it for me. so the stool is in the closet, with the screws taped to the top. just waiting patiently to be fixed. i'll bring it home over break.

I'm sorry that almost everything i write is about him..besides the vultures. but everything else.
i was right in my assumptions, this really does help with healing the soul. well, i think it is helping.


what i really was getting at was i want to be home. something could happen at any moment to anyone in my family, and i would have wasted my time. thats not the sole reason but, it plays a pretty big role. i want to see jack grow up. i want to be making money again, and enjoy it. i want to be with my mom, we are such great friends to each other when we aren't at each others throats. i want to spend almost every second of every single day with kendall. it is different with him. with anyone else i would get tired of them. i would need a break and air. but with kendall, no i don't. i am perfectly okay with hearing his breathing at all times. i was in a weird mood this past weekend and was mopey and sad because i was thinking if he died or something tragic happened to him, i would never be the same. i love speaking to him. i love sleeping and waking up to him. i love how he takes up the entire bed next to me. i love when i am on my side of the bed he pulls me close into him, so close i could never imagine how close. i love when he says good morning allie, in my ear. i love when he plays with jack, and honey dog too. he will be a wonderful father some day, and i can't wait to experience life with him.

VULTURES, BE AWARE.

i am hating my roommates.
they use my dishes, and never clean them, so i am left dish-less.
this weekend, kendall and i found a grocery store because we wanted to make a nice dinner for ourselves. we spent a good amount of money on all of the ingredients, and come home after getting soda to find half of our dinner eaten.
we had not gotten any of it yet.
now, everyone in this apartment has a meal plan, except for me. so when i am eating the food i am eating, it is all i have. they are like vultures. can have some, will you make me some, whats that? AFDSGDHGFJKGJFSDHJYUJHTGD%#$^*&(*)&(*^&%#@$.... mother fuckers.
its a sad day when you realize you can't eat your food in a common area because you know "others" will be on it like sweat. Kendall works hard for the money he makes and when he comes here and buys me groceries, they are for me.
Same with my momma, she gives me money so i have something to eat other than soup and peanut butter. she works hard for her money and so does my step dad.
VULTURES, BACK THE FUCK OFF.
also, one roommate came in my room and went through all my movies with out asking.
i later found my DVD's face down on the bookshelf. the bookshelf is that flaky wood shit, now, my DVD is scratched.
the next day, i come home to find MORE of my dinner to be missing, MY bag of chips gone, MY desk torn apart, MY candy eaten, and MORE of my dishes dirty in the sink after i had done the right thing and cleaned all of mine.
when i dirty it, i clean it.
not that hard.
i came home to no dishes for kendall and i to eat off of, needless to say, i was fucking pissed.
i avoid confrontation, but right now, i might blow.
thanksgiving break can not come FAST ENOUGH.
i am over the whole living with 4 lazy girls.
very over it.
i just want to live with him. we are so NOTTTT this, its sickening.
i could cry. bitches.

say "i love you" outloud...

waiting for my professor to grade my math homework (which was an experience all in itself) i had the urge to call him. just call him up like i saw a movie he likes was coming on TV and i had to tell him to watch it. i heard myself saying "pop, 7 tonight your movie comes on. you know the one with blah blah blah", i had no idea what movie i wanted him to watch; or what movie he wanted me to watch. probably zulu or a john wayne or something. i always hated those movies, but i wanted to be near him so i put up with it. anyway, i texted my mom and told her that i just thought to call him out of no where. and she told me to say "i love you" outloud. i was like shes crazy, there are math geeks all around me. i'll look even nerdier than they do. haha. but i did it, for him.
sometimes i feel like he wouldn't come around or send me signs because he wanted me to get over his death. or something silly. i have yet to get over it. silly, thinking i would.
my roommate LaBra told me that it was him visiting me. i'll buy that. when LaBra told me, i started to cry. not sad, just so fucking happy. (i'm clearly not over it ) i know my mom aches for signs and my nana too, it makes sense that those passed won't show themselves when we look for them, for if we see results, christ, i'd be talking to the birds all day long. i'd for sure fit in down here on the streets of philly.
last night i could not sleep again. i was just thinking of wedding songs. haha. of all things. i should have been reciting my spanish, for i had an exam the next morning. but wedding songs. which one would be my first as the mrs? which one would i dance with my dad to? my mom? (yes, we are slow dancing ma.) uncles, stepdad,missi,my danny? my brain does not stop. then i got to which song will be playing when we dance pop? i envision myself the crazy person, alone, on the dancefloor, dancing with the air. my arms on someones shoulders, high above me, and me smiling.

i must be crazy. the shrink sure had alot to feast on with me in her comfy, oversized chair. shit. i have ocd, an eating disorder, problems with family and i'm obsessed with death. gee, i wonder why. i had a bad couple of years. all i wanted to do was to tell someone how much i missed him. and she gives me a sheet to track my food consumption. up hers. i never went back.
"get your money back" i was thinking as i walked out the door. "rip that fake ass diploma down too". i screamed in my head.
suzie was pissed too..haha.
i live, they
learn.

anyway, the song, i never got to pick because i told myself i was crazy for thinking like that. i then got to two memories. both of them dancing with him.
1.) my sweet sixteen. it was a luau theme and every one wore leis and it was@ this cool place with a tiki bar and stuff. the whole school was there and it was one of the best nights of my life. i danced with my nana and pop that night so hard. i could only imagine what i looked like, infront of my entire high school. haha. i didn't care. i was happy. he and my nana danced every fucking song. every f u c k i n g song. i looked at them and turned to my friends, we all said at the same time, we want a love like that.
we danced to "twist and shout", and i swear, i didn't even see my pop move that fast when my nana caught a dinner on fire and the kitchen was in flames. or when he got his ride on mower, which he called the turtle. it was truly memorable. my mom recently found the video and i don't have the balls to watch it. i would need a solid 657 hours to cry out all of my tears for him. i'm crying now, how am i going to watch one of the happiest times with him? life is not fucking fair.
2.)my cousin Amy's wedding. it was the first and only reception i have been too. i had mentioned i never danced with anyone, the proper way. just the 5th grade dance shoulder-hip combination under my belt. my pop stood up and grabbed my hand, led me to the dance floor, and led me in my first and only real slow dance.
he didn't say much, only things like follow my lead and let your feet go where mine go. i wish i had a picture with him at that moment.
then he did the same for my sister missy. she was all embarassed. missi is lucky and has a picture from that moment. it has to be one of the coolest pictures i have ever seen. they are dancing and looking at the camera and in the background there is a reflection of lights and they are right above missis' head like a halo. truly wonderful. makes me smile now that i think about it. wipes away my tears.
he then made my cousin danny dance with me. danny was awkward, but nevetheless, wonderful. he is now a man in the Marines and i am glad we had that special moment. it was like Pop was preparing all of us like someone told him "its time to start planting your seed". your legacy. Ya, i got it. We all did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNPp6x7j9I8&feature=related

our dance was just as EPIC as this one. thanks again pop.

so long Arilysses.

excitement...
in my apartment, i live on the opposite wall of the trash room. (i know awesome right?) anyway, our first week here we had some guests, cockroaches. one of my roommates dad is an exterminator and gave us extra strength killing stuff. so we got rid of the cockroaches and adopted a mouse. cute,fuzzy,little and gray, he was our little alien house pet. one roommate cried at the sight of him, but otherwise he was pretty well accepted.
tonight, as i was getting ready to blog i could hear him scurrying under my bed. i just assumed he would go away but he was making quite a bit of noise for his usual routine, so i was thinking it was not him. some freak large mutated rat was lurking under my bed waiting for me to jump down just so he could nibble my leg off. i called to my roommates and one came to my rescue. One out of 5. haha. she said that she thought he was in an almost empty bag of chips. she picked up the bag and there he was, peering at her. scared shitless. we all screamed and jumped and thought he got out of the bag so we all ran different ways to avoid the gnawing, composed ourselves and came up with a plan.
we decided he could no longer live in our home so we decided to let him free. four of us trekked through the hallways catering to this bag of cool ranch flavored munchies, found ourselves outside, (no coats mind you, to excited to grab one) and were walking. then im cold, and a wave of guilt hits me like a tidal wave. if im cold now, how will he feel? he isn't an outside mouse, he has been inside his whole life. he doesn't know the rules of the wilderness, hes better off living with us in fear of someone stepping on him rather than the streets of philly. lets just say i had a hamlet moment (to be or not to be, to kill myself or dream){{haha im dramatic}} and felt terrible, for i was the reason he was discovered. if only i had not let my thoughts wander to the fact that there was a leg eating rat under my bed, he would still be in the comforts of my empty chip bag. so i eventually lost the battle of convincing my roomies to turn around and let him move back in but he is not wandering the sewers of philly or the subways which is fine by me, but i can't really tell you the whereabouts of my little friend, for i feel it could get me into some hot water. so farewell to arilysses, i hope you find your way to the classic literature section.

this one's for you = ]

I also have a food story flaming june,
My first attempt on cooking burgers on the grill. Now, i am deathly afraid of blowing up in some freak accident due to a grill or a gas stove. Probably due to the fact that in our old house we had to light the pilot light when we wanted to use the oven. i wanted cookies in the worst way. i turned the gas on and tried to light the lighter... a couple times. ThenWOOOSHHHH... fire ball. sweet. in my head i'm pleading " please please please, let no one have heard that". not likely. my stepdad Andy came running into the kitchen and said it smelled like burning hair. sweet again. the hair on my arm was totally gone and half of my eyebrow and my EYELASHES. what?!!? i am the freak accident.
back to the story now that we have the premise. burgers on the grill was a scary task to me let alone, they were for my pop. shit. the fire is blazing, i also had to push the button and light the grill. my brain " FUCKK%$^()*$# HOLY SHIT. WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE".
"compose yourself stupid".
"get the meat put it on the grates" he says,
- " HAH, funny, i have to put my hand in the fire?!?!??!?!" my head again.
"Ok pop", my voice cracked.
meat goes right through the grate onto the charcoal.
"it's OK, try again"
- steady your hands ass hole my brain is loudd.
one successfully makes it to the metal and another and another. i had about 6 on the grill and then it was time to flip.
When he said" flip", it echoed in my head like it would in a movie.
spatula, check. flames of death, check. freshly grown hair on arm for it to devour, that's a big check.
i lost three more.
he must have been starving, he usually had patience with me but he just slid in front of me and said good job and took over.
- my head is crying. screaming" you idiot it's just food. he hates you!!!"
Not as successful as you flaming June, but He never yelled.
i would have thrown up if he did.
...still a great memory even though i failed.
i can now cook burgers, just a little better, just for him.

so crossroads, where do i go?

So,
been busy with school work and such. i just have to say that i went home a couple weekends ago and it was absolutely perfect and much needed. spent time with my little bro jack and sometime with dankle and mommy. missi was in a haunted house as an actress. she was very good. she even incorporated making fun of me in her little skit. it was pitch black and i knew my face was terribly red. haha.
its now time to decide what the hell i am doing with my life. if i don't get into the nursing program here at temple what do i do? do i stay and change my major? do i transfer yet again? or should i just go home and stick out two guaranteed years in nursing at a community college?... (that i was already a student at)
please shoot me.
have i again wasted money? i swear, i'm such a fuc* up. i'm busting my little butt to do well here. i really need good grades. i have a 3.3 gpa right now and they are accepting people with3.5. after these two semesters it will all be decided. what to do what to do.
i miss my pop. he never would have let me go here. or even go away in the first place. i would be at PSU right now most likely. always regretting not doing what i wanted. probably still with the ex though. not cool. i guess its in my stupid blood to make all the wrong decisions before i make one right. i'm happy i'm here in philly. i always said i wanted to live here. everyone has such a cool style and what not. i'm still trying to get mine back. so,crossroads,where do i go?
I have some decisions to make.

Outsies = ]

i recently went out with my girl friends to a toga party somewhere off campus, (Which, is not a good idea). Anyways, it was a toga party that 200 hundred people were invited to via Facebook. Sure bet the cops would show up and bust it. (they didn't) i did get in an argument with one of the guys there. he was giving me shit about being in front of the TV for the boston baseball game. i asked him to ask me nicely to move to the side and he refused. so i blatantly stood there taking up as much room as possible. screw him. pissed me off. haha

my two best girlfriends came to visit me from their other colleges and we drank and took crazy pictures took forever to get ready and did not leave my apartment until about 11pm. We did not wear Togas, and made fun of everyone who did. The girls that had the party looked really cute but everyone else looked simply ridiculous. I will attach a couple pictures of my crazy night.

NOWWWW, the night before this happened was the first night I decided to venture out for a night on the town with one of my roommates. Well, turns out, the house we were at got robbed and we decided to hunt down the girl that stole from us. We found her on a corner off -off campus and cornered her. Well, the police came, we had all been drinking, and the police asked if we were temple students. We said yes and they just up and left. WHAT?!?!??! so we took it into our own hands. screaming at her, one girl turned her back, and the robber girl tackled her to the ground. my roommate ripped her off by her shirt and hair(weave) and slammed her to the ground. then another girl (on my side) jumped on top of the robber girl and choked her and screamed some profanities that i won't repeat now. hah.

good times.

anyways, one girl got her camera back but the other girl, who was very sweet, did not get her I-pod back so it was an upsetting night. after everything was settled, i walked home, recapping what had happened with my roommate. What an awesome start to not being afraid of this school. I sometimes wonder why I am here.... of all places to be. I am here.

right now, I am lying in bed in my room with all of my roommates just chatting about everything. It is nice. We all bond over stupid things like foods we like and situations with friends and boys and this feeling reminds me why I am here. I am here to make long-lasting friends and to get an Incredible education. just keep telling myself that.

all i want to do is be home with my family. My boy. My jack. my mom and sister and nana. i want to eat normal food again. i want to work and have money. i want to sleep in my room and not worry about anything. i just have to keep telling myself that this is what i wanted from the beginning. just keep telling myself that. ill whisper it to myself before i fall asleep tonight, and hopefully, ill wake up stronger.

the first picture is kendall and myself. i really do love him. i cant wait to have a life with him. i am working towards becoming a nurse, which is what i always wanted to do in life. and to share that with him will make me totally happy. i love him. i love saying it. haha

the second picture is myself. hello ; )

the third picture is a funny one. my best friend is danielle. who is the crippled on the ground after ti punched her in the nose. i thought this was hilarious and would not let it stop me from jamming. as you can see from the incredibly fabulous hair flip. i later apologized after i knew what i did. oops.

thats all for now. i ll update when something radical happens to me again.

OHHHH ps. i met Blake Mycoskie. for those of you who do not know this man, he is the creator of Toms shoes. This man vows for every purchased pair of these shoes, one child will receive a pair. the one for one program. its wonderful and inspiring. i wish i had the guts to do something great. i have ideas, just don't know how to get them to work. he started in Argentina, and then later moved on to other countries and is now onto 100,000 pair of shoes fro shildren around the world. Keep going Toms!!!!! hopefully, those who may read this will be inspired as i have been. go forth and be the change. keep the peace. here you go.... enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJ8c5QWsCRQ

Life I guess.

So,

my best friend Kellie is studying abroad in the UK. I am extremely jealous of her. I have been to england once before but I felt I did not enjoy it the way I wanted. I am gracious that I was able to go on such an elaborate trip and I enjoyed every second of it. It was full of history and bus tours to different parts of the country. But Kellie is touring the pubs and river rafting and being a young adult in a far away place. Something is appealing about this to me. I feel as if I will never get there in my younger years. The next few years are jam packed with school and I will be getting the crappy schedules at work. Being the new nurse. I'll be wiping butts for at least a year. I have no problem with this, for if I did, I am wasting a LOT of money.

Anyways, traveling the world was one of my dreams. The fact that she gets to do it and still GO to school is just really beating me up inside. Not to mention my other best friend will be spending the spring semester in AUSTRALIA! I just can't catch a break. I am truly happy for them. They are living life to it's fullest, as am I, just in different ways.

I took this survey on Facebook and it's random questions about people you are friends with. One of my questions was if you were to die tomorrow, what would you do today? I said I would spend my time with the people that mattered most to me. I would empty my bank account, rent out a bar, and just party and scream and laugh and sing and dance with my family and friends.

My uncle left me a comment on how he would be right there next to me, singing his ass off. He has been sober for 16 years, and said he would sit next to me on the day I was dying and drink coffee and eat cake until he was sugar high, and sing his ass off. That is love. That is truly why I would rather spend my time with family then go out somewhere. When it comes down to it, family is what made you the person you are today. My uncle is a strong man. His father was a strong man. And this has left an amazing impression on me because I am a strong woman.

I would never pressure him to drink again because it would kill him. Not the drinking, but the failure. I could never live with myself if I took that pride away from him. He deserves every ounce of it. He has worked for it. He has worked for 16 some odd years.

Welcome.

Well hello everyone.

I am truly grateful I have worked up enough courage to start to write. I have been keeping up with a few people's blogs and it seems to really help heal the soul. I feel that many people enjoy writing to express feelings of sadness or loss. Others pure happiness and love. I plan on writing of both.

I suppose I will get on with it then...

Me: I am 20 years of age and living away from home. As of about 6 months ago, this was what I thought I wanted. A new beginning that I thought I could not find at home. Well, fate kicked my butt on this one. A college junior should not know who they wanted to spend the rest of their life with, but I do. I fought against it as hard as I could have, but to no avail. I found that someone, randomly, one spring semester at a community college before I was leaving for a new school, 2 hours away. I did not want anything like this, and either did he. Bad relationships, for both parties. Being hurt deep within the heart. We had an understanding of each other. Neither wanted a serious relationship, just something to ease back into the reality of dating and new loves.

[Serious] would be an understatement. Nothing but wonderful. I see myself marrying this man of mine. More of a man than anyone I have ever been with. Truly wonderful, how happiness fell into my lap. What do they say? The things we are not looking for but long for always find us at the worst times... something like that.

Mom: Three words.

One Amazing Woman.

My mother; beautiful, smart, caring, and honest. Many things we all hope to achieve in life when we all "grow" up. Some people say they never want to turn into their mothers. I would love to be just like her. She cooks with no fear. No recipes. Comes up with it off the top of her head. A top chef. Weird. Compassion for many. A teacher. A member of the zipper club. A (survivor]. An astonishing listener. A mother. A little too honest. A Best Friend. A sister to 3 brothers. A spitfire. My awesome mother. And most of all, independent. Perfection. Great qualities to possess in this world today. Where did she learn to be this way?....

NaNa* Four words.

The Original Amazing Woman.

Nana bird: a widow. a true half to her soul mate. High School sweethearts they were. Through thick and thin never doubted there love.

I want a love like these two love birds had. I'm not saying what the had was not easy. But they loved each other enough to work. Work hard. Through ever trial that tested their will and love. They succeeded. Though her soul mate no longer walks on this plane, he is with her [and us] everyday. I am grateful to have this wonderful lady in my life. My original roommate. We kept each other company after [his] passing. Truly mended the heart a little bit, I like to think I helped. [i hope i did].

Another woman with no recipes. Although, a little more hesitant when it comes to "winging" it. A true craftswoman. Perfect helper for late homework projects. Those stupid shoebox displays on silly books. She always strived for the [ A ] and got it. {thanks again}

An example of a strong woman. Took her life into her own hands and did what she needed to do in order to be happy. I envy her courage. I could only dream of being as strong as she is. If I were her, my Nana, I never would have left. The memories in the home they grew to love for so many years. The clothes he wore everyday, the shoes, the silly robe. Would all still be out, If I were her.

but i'm not. ... yet

My sisi ; ]

a true person. worries about small and silly things. then again. i worried of all the same things. high school. the END of the world when someone bad talks you. FACT: no one is ever the same after high school. FALSE: you are always going to be the person you were in high school. you decide who and what you will make of yourself. i have come to accept that it does not matter how you get your dreams, or how long it may take, just as long you achieve them. She will in time, learn this. Just as i have taken many years to fully comprehend and accept this FACT

My Jack[]

A beautiful achievement of how it does not matter how long it takes to achieve a dream. A sweet savior on this earth. a tangible, cuddly, warm, witness of a miracle. This bundle of happiness and chaos saved my amazing woman, my mother. Someone obviously knew this little boy would change the world someday. Many times over. He has already done this. I'm just waiting for the world to be affected.

.