say "i love you" outloud...

waiting for my professor to grade my math homework (which was an experience all in itself) i had the urge to call him. just call him up like i saw a movie he likes was coming on TV and i had to tell him to watch it. i heard myself saying "pop, 7 tonight your movie comes on. you know the one with blah blah blah", i had no idea what movie i wanted him to watch; or what movie he wanted me to watch. probably zulu or a john wayne or something. i always hated those movies, but i wanted to be near him so i put up with it. anyway, i texted my mom and told her that i just thought to call him out of no where. and she told me to say "i love you" outloud. i was like shes crazy, there are math geeks all around me. i'll look even nerdier than they do. haha. but i did it, for him.
sometimes i feel like he wouldn't come around or send me signs because he wanted me to get over his death. or something silly. i have yet to get over it. silly, thinking i would.
my roommate LaBra told me that it was him visiting me. i'll buy that. when LaBra told me, i started to cry. not sad, just so fucking happy. (i'm clearly not over it ) i know my mom aches for signs and my nana too, it makes sense that those passed won't show themselves when we look for them, for if we see results, christ, i'd be talking to the birds all day long. i'd for sure fit in down here on the streets of philly.
last night i could not sleep again. i was just thinking of wedding songs. haha. of all things. i should have been reciting my spanish, for i had an exam the next morning. but wedding songs. which one would be my first as the mrs? which one would i dance with my dad to? my mom? (yes, we are slow dancing ma.) uncles, stepdad,missi,my danny? my brain does not stop. then i got to which song will be playing when we dance pop? i envision myself the crazy person, alone, on the dancefloor, dancing with the air. my arms on someones shoulders, high above me, and me smiling.

i must be crazy. the shrink sure had alot to feast on with me in her comfy, oversized chair. shit. i have ocd, an eating disorder, problems with family and i'm obsessed with death. gee, i wonder why. i had a bad couple of years. all i wanted to do was to tell someone how much i missed him. and she gives me a sheet to track my food consumption. up hers. i never went back.
"get your money back" i was thinking as i walked out the door. "rip that fake ass diploma down too". i screamed in my head.
suzie was pissed too..haha.
i live, they
learn.

anyway, the song, i never got to pick because i told myself i was crazy for thinking like that. i then got to two memories. both of them dancing with him.
1.) my sweet sixteen. it was a luau theme and every one wore leis and it was@ this cool place with a tiki bar and stuff. the whole school was there and it was one of the best nights of my life. i danced with my nana and pop that night so hard. i could only imagine what i looked like, infront of my entire high school. haha. i didn't care. i was happy. he and my nana danced every fucking song. every f u c k i n g song. i looked at them and turned to my friends, we all said at the same time, we want a love like that.
we danced to "twist and shout", and i swear, i didn't even see my pop move that fast when my nana caught a dinner on fire and the kitchen was in flames. or when he got his ride on mower, which he called the turtle. it was truly memorable. my mom recently found the video and i don't have the balls to watch it. i would need a solid 657 hours to cry out all of my tears for him. i'm crying now, how am i going to watch one of the happiest times with him? life is not fucking fair.
2.)my cousin Amy's wedding. it was the first and only reception i have been too. i had mentioned i never danced with anyone, the proper way. just the 5th grade dance shoulder-hip combination under my belt. my pop stood up and grabbed my hand, led me to the dance floor, and led me in my first and only real slow dance.
he didn't say much, only things like follow my lead and let your feet go where mine go. i wish i had a picture with him at that moment.
then he did the same for my sister missy. she was all embarassed. missi is lucky and has a picture from that moment. it has to be one of the coolest pictures i have ever seen. they are dancing and looking at the camera and in the background there is a reflection of lights and they are right above missis' head like a halo. truly wonderful. makes me smile now that i think about it. wipes away my tears.
he then made my cousin danny dance with me. danny was awkward, but nevetheless, wonderful. he is now a man in the Marines and i am glad we had that special moment. it was like Pop was preparing all of us like someone told him "its time to start planting your seed". your legacy. Ya, i got it. We all did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNPp6x7j9I8&feature=related

our dance was just as EPIC as this one. thanks again pop.