....melting pot

when i feel warm and cozy, i see myself at home. i see myself with my mom and sister and jack and kendall. my nana and uncles, never missing a single beat at home. i have come to the realization that i am meant to be home. or if I'm not home, i just cant be alone ( and be near by..haha). its so hard to let people in when you know they will only judge. no one can understand each others pain, because every situation is different. you try to explain the tattoo on your neck to people, but they just don't get it. you try to do him justice, but somehow, nothing comes out as powerful as he really was. you sit and think of all the fun times you have had with past people, and you get sad. but you can't cry. it was 3 years ago. why am i still crying? i can't think about him for too long, or I'm down for the count. no use talking at home because it only upsets others. I'm not complaining. i just want everything to be okay for everyone. but no one is. a piece of every one of my family members died that day. august,8th. 9am. it was warm and nice outside. the clouds were incredible. as i was lying on the sidewalk out front i looked up and said" you picked a wonderful day to die." i could just imagine the curses coming out of his mouth because we drew alll over the sidewalk with chalk. he hated that.
and so to this day, if someone asks me if I'm okay. but really asks, i start to cry. Kendall does it without noticing. its habit for him to make sure i'm okay. but on those days, i just can't. i can't start the whole thing because i won't stop. i know i won't. i don't think anyone really knows how bad it hurt me. well my mom knows. but really, that's all. to friends, it was a family member. a family member that should be moved on from. nope. can't do it. he was not just a family member, he was an inspiration. he was encouragement. he was my best friend. my fellow gossiper. he was my biggest fan and supporter with whatever i chose to do. besides swimming in a pool with my then boyfriend. haha. i had to try to keep him young.
in my apartment, we have the old stools from my nana and pops kitchen, the jungle. Ill explain at a later date....
the other day, someone noticed that they were really wobbly. i figured a screw was loose. my pop was the one who always tightened them, or joe the neighbor, but we know he is not around. but my roommate turned it upside down to inspect and the whole thing fell apart. my god, my hear fell apart. it splintered at the speed of light throughout the room. i could feel the tears, and kendall saw them, but he did not say a word. i just silently screamed and cried and threw things in my mind. over a stool. yes. over a stool. i picked up the screws from the floor and handed them to kendall and he told me everything would be fine. he was going to take it home and fix it for me. so the stool is in the closet, with the screws taped to the top. just waiting patiently to be fixed. i'll bring it home over break.

I'm sorry that almost everything i write is about him..besides the vultures. but everything else.
i was right in my assumptions, this really does help with healing the soul. well, i think it is helping.


what i really was getting at was i want to be home. something could happen at any moment to anyone in my family, and i would have wasted my time. thats not the sole reason but, it plays a pretty big role. i want to see jack grow up. i want to be making money again, and enjoy it. i want to be with my mom, we are such great friends to each other when we aren't at each others throats. i want to spend almost every second of every single day with kendall. it is different with him. with anyone else i would get tired of them. i would need a break and air. but with kendall, no i don't. i am perfectly okay with hearing his breathing at all times. i was in a weird mood this past weekend and was mopey and sad because i was thinking if he died or something tragic happened to him, i would never be the same. i love speaking to him. i love sleeping and waking up to him. i love how he takes up the entire bed next to me. i love when i am on my side of the bed he pulls me close into him, so close i could never imagine how close. i love when he says good morning allie, in my ear. i love when he plays with jack, and honey dog too. he will be a wonderful father some day, and i can't wait to experience life with him.