when i feel warm and cozy, i see myself at home. i see myself with my mom and sister and jack and kendall. my nana and uncles, never missing a single beat at home. i have come to the realization that i am meant to be home. or if I'm not home, i just cant be alone ( and be near by..haha). its so hard to let people in when you know they will only judge. no one can understand each others pain, because every situation is different. you try to explain the tattoo on your neck to people, but they just don't get it. you try to do him justice, but somehow, nothing comes out as powerful as he really was. you sit and think of all the fun times you have had with past people, and you get sad. but you can't cry. it was 3 years ago. why am i still crying? i can't think about him for too long, or I'm down for the count. no use talking at home because it only upsets others. I'm not complaining. i just want everything to be okay for everyone. but no one is. a piece of every one of my family members died that day. august,8th. 9am. it was warm and nice outside. the clouds were incredible. as i was lying on the sidewalk out front i looked up and said" you picked a wonderful day to die." i could just imagine the curses coming out of his mouth because we drew alll over the sidewalk with chalk. he hated that.
and so to this day, if someone asks me if I'm okay. but really asks, i start to cry. Kendall does it without noticing. its habit for him to make sure i'm okay. but on those days, i just can't. i can't start the whole thing because i won't stop. i know i won't. i don't think anyone really knows how bad it hurt me. well my mom knows. but really, that's all. to friends, it was a family member. a family member that should be moved on from. nope. can't do it. he was not just a family member, he was an inspiration. he was encouragement. he was my best friend. my fellow gossiper. he was my biggest fan and supporter with whatever i chose to do. besides swimming in a pool with my then boyfriend. haha. i had to try to keep him young.
in my apartment, we have the old stools from my nana and pops kitchen, the jungle. Ill explain at a later date....
the other day, someone noticed that they were really wobbly. i figured a screw was loose. my pop was the one who always tightened them, or joe the neighbor, but we know he is not around. but my roommate turned it upside down to inspect and the whole thing fell apart. my god, my hear fell apart. it splintered at the speed of light throughout the room. i could feel the tears, and kendall saw them, but he did not say a word. i just silently screamed and cried and threw things in my mind. over a stool. yes. over a stool. i picked up the screws from the floor and handed them to kendall and he told me everything would be fine. he was going to take it home and fix it for me. so the stool is in the closet, with the screws taped to the top. just waiting patiently to be fixed. i'll bring it home over break.
I'm sorry that almost everything i write is about him..besides the vultures. but everything else.
i was right in my assumptions, this really does help with healing the soul. well, i think it is helping.
what i really was getting at was i want to be home. something could happen at any moment to anyone in my family, and i would have wasted my time. thats not the sole reason but, it plays a pretty big role. i want to see jack grow up. i want to be making money again, and enjoy it. i want to be with my mom, we are such great friends to each other when we aren't at each others throats. i want to spend almost every second of every single day with kendall. it is different with him. with anyone else i would get tired of them. i would need a break and air. but with kendall, no i don't. i am perfectly okay with hearing his breathing at all times. i was in a weird mood this past weekend and was mopey and sad because i was thinking if he died or something tragic happened to him, i would never be the same. i love speaking to him. i love sleeping and waking up to him. i love how he takes up the entire bed next to me. i love when i am on my side of the bed he pulls me close into him, so close i could never imagine how close. i love when he says good morning allie, in my ear. i love when he plays with jack, and honey dog too. he will be a wonderful father some day, and i can't wait to experience life with him.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
VULTURES, BE AWARE.
i am hating my roommates.
they use my dishes, and never clean them, so i am left dish-less.
this weekend, kendall and i found a grocery store because we wanted to make a nice dinner for ourselves. we spent a good amount of money on all of the ingredients, and come home after getting soda to find half of our dinner eaten.
we had not gotten any of it yet.
now, everyone in this apartment has a meal plan, except for me. so when i am eating the food i am eating, it is all i have. they are like vultures. can have some, will you make me some, whats that? AFDSGDHGFJKGJFSDHJYUJHTGD%#$^*&(*)&(*^&%#@$.... mother fuckers.
its a sad day when you realize you can't eat your food in a common area because you know "others" will be on it like sweat. Kendall works hard for the money he makes and when he comes here and buys me groceries, they are for me.
Same with my momma, she gives me money so i have something to eat other than soup and peanut butter. she works hard for her money and so does my step dad.
VULTURES, BACK THE FUCK OFF.
also, one roommate came in my room and went through all my movies with out asking.
i later found my DVD's face down on the bookshelf. the bookshelf is that flaky wood shit, now, my DVD is scratched.
the next day, i come home to find MORE of my dinner to be missing, MY bag of chips gone, MY desk torn apart, MY candy eaten, and MORE of my dishes dirty in the sink after i had done the right thing and cleaned all of mine.
when i dirty it, i clean it.
not that hard.
i came home to no dishes for kendall and i to eat off of, needless to say, i was fucking pissed.
i avoid confrontation, but right now, i might blow.
thanksgiving break can not come FAST ENOUGH.
i am over the whole living with 4 lazy girls.
very over it.
i just want to live with him. we are so NOTTTT this, its sickening.
i could cry. bitches.
they use my dishes, and never clean them, so i am left dish-less.
this weekend, kendall and i found a grocery store because we wanted to make a nice dinner for ourselves. we spent a good amount of money on all of the ingredients, and come home after getting soda to find half of our dinner eaten.
we had not gotten any of it yet.
now, everyone in this apartment has a meal plan, except for me. so when i am eating the food i am eating, it is all i have. they are like vultures. can have some, will you make me some, whats that? AFDSGDHGFJKGJFSDHJYUJHTGD%#$^*&(*)&(*^&%#@$.... mother fuckers.
its a sad day when you realize you can't eat your food in a common area because you know "others" will be on it like sweat. Kendall works hard for the money he makes and when he comes here and buys me groceries, they are for me.
Same with my momma, she gives me money so i have something to eat other than soup and peanut butter. she works hard for her money and so does my step dad.
VULTURES, BACK THE FUCK OFF.
also, one roommate came in my room and went through all my movies with out asking.
i later found my DVD's face down on the bookshelf. the bookshelf is that flaky wood shit, now, my DVD is scratched.
the next day, i come home to find MORE of my dinner to be missing, MY bag of chips gone, MY desk torn apart, MY candy eaten, and MORE of my dishes dirty in the sink after i had done the right thing and cleaned all of mine.
when i dirty it, i clean it.
not that hard.
i came home to no dishes for kendall and i to eat off of, needless to say, i was fucking pissed.
i avoid confrontation, but right now, i might blow.
thanksgiving break can not come FAST ENOUGH.
i am over the whole living with 4 lazy girls.
very over it.
i just want to live with him. we are so NOTTTT this, its sickening.
i could cry. bitches.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
say "i love you" outloud...
waiting for my professor to grade my math homework (which was an experience all in itself) i had the urge to call him. just call him up like i saw a movie he likes was coming on TV and i had to tell him to watch it. i heard myself saying "pop, 7 tonight your movie comes on. you know the one with blah blah blah", i had no idea what movie i wanted him to watch; or what movie he wanted me to watch. probably zulu or a john wayne or something. i always hated those movies, but i wanted to be near him so i put up with it. anyway, i texted my mom and told her that i just thought to call him out of no where. and she told me to say "i love you" outloud. i was like shes crazy, there are math geeks all around me. i'll look even nerdier than they do. haha. but i did it, for him.
sometimes i feel like he wouldn't come around or send me signs because he wanted me to get over his death. or something silly. i have yet to get over it. silly, thinking i would.
my roommate LaBra told me that it was him visiting me. i'll buy that. when LaBra told me, i started to cry. not sad, just so fucking happy. (i'm clearly not over it ) i know my mom aches for signs and my nana too, it makes sense that those passed won't show themselves when we look for them, for if we see results, christ, i'd be talking to the birds all day long. i'd for sure fit in down here on the streets of philly.
last night i could not sleep again. i was just thinking of wedding songs. haha. of all things. i should have been reciting my spanish, for i had an exam the next morning. but wedding songs. which one would be my first as the mrs? which one would i dance with my dad to? my mom? (yes, we are slow dancing ma.) uncles, stepdad,missi,my danny? my brain does not stop. then i got to which song will be playing when we dance pop? i envision myself the crazy person, alone, on the dancefloor, dancing with the air. my arms on someones shoulders, high above me, and me smiling.
i must be crazy. the shrink sure had alot to feast on with me in her comfy, oversized chair. shit. i have ocd, an eating disorder, problems with family and i'm obsessed with death. gee, i wonder why. i had a bad couple of years. all i wanted to do was to tell someone how much i missed him. and she gives me a sheet to track my food consumption. up hers. i never went back.
"get your money back" i was thinking as i walked out the door. "rip that fake ass diploma down too". i screamed in my head.
suzie was pissed too..haha.
i live, they
learn.
anyway, the song, i never got to pick because i told myself i was crazy for thinking like that. i then got to two memories. both of them dancing with him.
1.) my sweet sixteen. it was a luau theme and every one wore leis and it was@ this cool place with a tiki bar and stuff. the whole school was there and it was one of the best nights of my life. i danced with my nana and pop that night so hard. i could only imagine what i looked like, infront of my entire high school. haha. i didn't care. i was happy. he and my nana danced every fucking song. every f u c k i n g song. i looked at them and turned to my friends, we all said at the same time, we want a love like that.
we danced to "twist and shout", and i swear, i didn't even see my pop move that fast when my nana caught a dinner on fire and the kitchen was in flames. or when he got his ride on mower, which he called the turtle. it was truly memorable. my mom recently found the video and i don't have the balls to watch it. i would need a solid 657 hours to cry out all of my tears for him. i'm crying now, how am i going to watch one of the happiest times with him? life is not fucking fair.
2.)my cousin Amy's wedding. it was the first and only reception i have been too. i had mentioned i never danced with anyone, the proper way. just the 5th grade dance shoulder-hip combination under my belt. my pop stood up and grabbed my hand, led me to the dance floor, and led me in my first and only real slow dance.
he didn't say much, only things like follow my lead and let your feet go where mine go. i wish i had a picture with him at that moment.
then he did the same for my sister missy. she was all embarassed. missi is lucky and has a picture from that moment. it has to be one of the coolest pictures i have ever seen. they are dancing and looking at the camera and in the background there is a reflection of lights and they are right above missis' head like a halo. truly wonderful. makes me smile now that i think about it. wipes away my tears.
he then made my cousin danny dance with me. danny was awkward, but nevetheless, wonderful. he is now a man in the Marines and i am glad we had that special moment. it was like Pop was preparing all of us like someone told him "its time to start planting your seed". your legacy. Ya, i got it. We all did.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNPp6x7j9I8&feature=related
our dance was just as EPIC as this one. thanks again pop.
sometimes i feel like he wouldn't come around or send me signs because he wanted me to get over his death. or something silly. i have yet to get over it. silly, thinking i would.
my roommate LaBra told me that it was him visiting me. i'll buy that. when LaBra told me, i started to cry. not sad, just so fucking happy. (i'm clearly not over it ) i know my mom aches for signs and my nana too, it makes sense that those passed won't show themselves when we look for them, for if we see results, christ, i'd be talking to the birds all day long. i'd for sure fit in down here on the streets of philly.
last night i could not sleep again. i was just thinking of wedding songs. haha. of all things. i should have been reciting my spanish, for i had an exam the next morning. but wedding songs. which one would be my first as the mrs? which one would i dance with my dad to? my mom? (yes, we are slow dancing ma.) uncles, stepdad,missi,my danny? my brain does not stop. then i got to which song will be playing when we dance pop? i envision myself the crazy person, alone, on the dancefloor, dancing with the air. my arms on someones shoulders, high above me, and me smiling.
i must be crazy. the shrink sure had alot to feast on with me in her comfy, oversized chair. shit. i have ocd, an eating disorder, problems with family and i'm obsessed with death. gee, i wonder why. i had a bad couple of years. all i wanted to do was to tell someone how much i missed him. and she gives me a sheet to track my food consumption. up hers. i never went back.
"get your money back" i was thinking as i walked out the door. "rip that fake ass diploma down too". i screamed in my head.
suzie was pissed too..haha.
i live, they
learn.
anyway, the song, i never got to pick because i told myself i was crazy for thinking like that. i then got to two memories. both of them dancing with him.
1.) my sweet sixteen. it was a luau theme and every one wore leis and it was@ this cool place with a tiki bar and stuff. the whole school was there and it was one of the best nights of my life. i danced with my nana and pop that night so hard. i could only imagine what i looked like, infront of my entire high school. haha. i didn't care. i was happy. he and my nana danced every fucking song. every f u c k i n g song. i looked at them and turned to my friends, we all said at the same time, we want a love like that.
we danced to "twist and shout", and i swear, i didn't even see my pop move that fast when my nana caught a dinner on fire and the kitchen was in flames. or when he got his ride on mower, which he called the turtle. it was truly memorable. my mom recently found the video and i don't have the balls to watch it. i would need a solid 657 hours to cry out all of my tears for him. i'm crying now, how am i going to watch one of the happiest times with him? life is not fucking fair.
2.)my cousin Amy's wedding. it was the first and only reception i have been too. i had mentioned i never danced with anyone, the proper way. just the 5th grade dance shoulder-hip combination under my belt. my pop stood up and grabbed my hand, led me to the dance floor, and led me in my first and only real slow dance.
he didn't say much, only things like follow my lead and let your feet go where mine go. i wish i had a picture with him at that moment.
then he did the same for my sister missy. she was all embarassed. missi is lucky and has a picture from that moment. it has to be one of the coolest pictures i have ever seen. they are dancing and looking at the camera and in the background there is a reflection of lights and they are right above missis' head like a halo. truly wonderful. makes me smile now that i think about it. wipes away my tears.
he then made my cousin danny dance with me. danny was awkward, but nevetheless, wonderful. he is now a man in the Marines and i am glad we had that special moment. it was like Pop was preparing all of us like someone told him "its time to start planting your seed". your legacy. Ya, i got it. We all did.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNPp6x7j9I8&feature=related
our dance was just as EPIC as this one. thanks again pop.
Monday, November 2, 2009
so long Arilysses.
excitement...
in my apartment, i live on the opposite wall of the trash room. (i know awesome right?) anyway, our first week here we had some guests, cockroaches. one of my roommates dad is an exterminator and gave us extra strength killing stuff. so we got rid of the cockroaches and adopted a mouse. cute,fuzzy,little and gray, he was our little alien house pet. one roommate cried at the sight of him, but otherwise he was pretty well accepted.
tonight, as i was getting ready to blog i could hear him scurrying under my bed. i just assumed he would go away but he was making quite a bit of noise for his usual routine, so i was thinking it was not him. some freak large mutated rat was lurking under my bed waiting for me to jump down just so he could nibble my leg off. i called to my roommates and one came to my rescue. One out of 5. haha. she said that she thought he was in an almost empty bag of chips. she picked up the bag and there he was, peering at her. scared shitless. we all screamed and jumped and thought he got out of the bag so we all ran different ways to avoid the gnawing, composed ourselves and came up with a plan.
we decided he could no longer live in our home so we decided to let him free. four of us trekked through the hallways catering to this bag of cool ranch flavored munchies, found ourselves outside, (no coats mind you, to excited to grab one) and were walking. then im cold, and a wave of guilt hits me like a tidal wave. if im cold now, how will he feel? he isn't an outside mouse, he has been inside his whole life. he doesn't know the rules of the wilderness, hes better off living with us in fear of someone stepping on him rather than the streets of philly. lets just say i had a hamlet moment (to be or not to be, to kill myself or dream){{haha im dramatic}} and felt terrible, for i was the reason he was discovered. if only i had not let my thoughts wander to the fact that there was a leg eating rat under my bed, he would still be in the comforts of my empty chip bag. so i eventually lost the battle of convincing my roomies to turn around and let him move back in but he is not wandering the sewers of philly or the subways which is fine by me, but i can't really tell you the whereabouts of my little friend, for i feel it could get me into some hot water. so farewell to arilysses, i hope you find your way to the classic literature section.
in my apartment, i live on the opposite wall of the trash room. (i know awesome right?) anyway, our first week here we had some guests, cockroaches. one of my roommates dad is an exterminator and gave us extra strength killing stuff. so we got rid of the cockroaches and adopted a mouse. cute,fuzzy,little and gray, he was our little alien house pet. one roommate cried at the sight of him, but otherwise he was pretty well accepted.
tonight, as i was getting ready to blog i could hear him scurrying under my bed. i just assumed he would go away but he was making quite a bit of noise for his usual routine, so i was thinking it was not him. some freak large mutated rat was lurking under my bed waiting for me to jump down just so he could nibble my leg off. i called to my roommates and one came to my rescue. One out of 5. haha. she said that she thought he was in an almost empty bag of chips. she picked up the bag and there he was, peering at her. scared shitless. we all screamed and jumped and thought he got out of the bag so we all ran different ways to avoid the gnawing, composed ourselves and came up with a plan.
we decided he could no longer live in our home so we decided to let him free. four of us trekked through the hallways catering to this bag of cool ranch flavored munchies, found ourselves outside, (no coats mind you, to excited to grab one) and were walking. then im cold, and a wave of guilt hits me like a tidal wave. if im cold now, how will he feel? he isn't an outside mouse, he has been inside his whole life. he doesn't know the rules of the wilderness, hes better off living with us in fear of someone stepping on him rather than the streets of philly. lets just say i had a hamlet moment (to be or not to be, to kill myself or dream){{haha im dramatic}} and felt terrible, for i was the reason he was discovered. if only i had not let my thoughts wander to the fact that there was a leg eating rat under my bed, he would still be in the comforts of my empty chip bag. so i eventually lost the battle of convincing my roomies to turn around and let him move back in but he is not wandering the sewers of philly or the subways which is fine by me, but i can't really tell you the whereabouts of my little friend, for i feel it could get me into some hot water. so farewell to arilysses, i hope you find your way to the classic literature section.
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